Because I said so......

We were gathered to watch Elf the movie and my daughter recognized me on the TV - I was starring in an Iron Gym infomercial - She screamed "daddy!!!" as she pointed at a perfectly sculpted man doing chin ups. What a sweetheart!

Not two minutes later as Elf came on the screen, a small troll of an elf came on the TV and Miles screamed "daddy!!!". What a chump!

I guess it's just hard to know sometimes how our kids are perceiving us - except when they make it this easy. Merry Christmas to me!

Thursday Feature: Dear Miles

I didn't have a question to ask Miles today, but fortunately he supplied one for me. He's got to be the only kid in the world who regards the story about Santa Claus with suspicion:

A few nights ago I was tucking him in and he looked troubled. "What's wrong?" I asked him.

"Mommy, why is Santa Claus so.... so sneaky?"

"What? Sneaky!? What do you mean?"

"Why does Santa not want you to tell me what my Christmas presents are? I just... you... like... you don't have to give them to me. Just tell me what they are."

I told him I can't tell him what his presents are, but I'll have to think about why Santa Claus is so sneaky. So what, dear reader, do you think my answer should be? I'll ask him again later tonight when I tuck him in and see if he's thought of a solution. I'll post his response in the "comments" section. (Facebook readers, you can see comments in the blog itself - www.milesandmacey.blogspot.com.)

What I Miss Out On While At Work

Macey is sick today, so I stayed home from work with both the kids. Sometimes I wonder if we're not paying the day care enough.

----------------------------------------------------

Cartoon character on TV: "Let me get you some hot tea."

Miles: "Did he say hot pee? Ewwwwwwwwwww!"

Macey [chanting delightedly in the background]: "Hot pee! Hot pee!"

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Later, after a particularly startling moment on the cartoon...

Miles: Whoa. That made me poot a little.

Macey [wandering aimlessly down the hallway and still sweetly singing]: "Hot pee! Hot pee!"

New Lexicon Words

I've added two new words to the Miles Lexicon. One of them is particularly timely, so be sure to look to the right

                     (this way --------------------------------------------> )

for a great new addition your Christmas vocabulary this year.

If you usually read these on Facebook, be sure to scoot on over to the blog (www.milesandmacey.blogspot.com) to see the Miles Lexicon.

Thursday Feature: Dear Miles

I admit I've put this one off for awhile, but April Shrum really set me up with a loaded question: "Dear Miles, Where do babies come from?" (Thanks a lot, April!!) It went something like this:

"Babies come from heaven," Miles answered without even looking up.

"Oh," I said. "So how do we get them here?"

"Well, mommies and daddies drive to heaven to get them. Well, first the baby grows inside someone's belly, then you take pictures and it comes out. Then that one guy Jeff, he comes over to keep the house safe--"

I interrupted him, "You mean Pastor Jeff?" (I have no idea where that one came from...)

"Yeah,that guy."

"So are you pretty sure a baby grows inside someone's belly?"

"Yeah. Probably a girl grows inside your belly, but I'm not sure about a boy. I'll have to ask Dad. He's pretty smart. But I... I was born before him, so I'm smarter than him."

"Oh we'll definitely have to talk to him about that. So tell me one more time." I prodded him, "Do babies start out in heaven first or do they grow inside someone's belly first?"

He gave me a withering sigh. "It's both, Mom. Heaven is inside people's bellies."

Because I said so......

I was driving with the kids this evening and the newness of Christmas lights still gets Miles gloriously excited. As we drove by a neighbors brightly lit nativity scene Miles yelled excitedly, "Dad look! It's God! He, he's right there in those peoples yard!" I said, being sure to emphasize that Jesus was there in the manger - and he is God, "yes, Miles, there is Jesus in the manger." This was a typical nativity scene with the Mary and Joseph and donkey and cow present. Miles was still so surprised as I responded he finished by saying "Holy Cow! They have God in their yard".

A New Euphemism

I was walking down the hallway past the open door to the bathroom when I saw Miles sitting on the toilet, with a particularly strained expression. He noticed me and said, "It's okay, Mom. I'm okay. I just need to get this sorted out."

Welcome to Miles' World

For a slightly larger view, go to the YouTube version.

Otherwise, here ya go:

Recipe for Ice Cream Blackberry Hot Dogs

I swear upon Brett's life that I am not making this up. I wrote this down verbatim as Miles was dictating the instructions to me, à la Rachael Ray, as if he were reciting it from memory and not just making it up as he goes:

• sugar
  
• salt
  
• ice cream
  
• butter
  
• milk shake
  
• Nill-aid
  
• little bit of drink
  
  You just get a spoon and just mix it really slow then put it in the freezer and wait till it begins to freeze into ice cream hot dogs.

Thursday Feature: Dear Miles

I didn't have time to post the Thursday feature last week, and my inbox was flooded with a deluge of nearly one email, demanding the return of "Dear Miles." So our question this week comes to us from Sabrina in Phoenix, Arizona, who asks:

"Why do parents make their kids go to bed at night?"

I asked our resident expert. We didn't get very far.

Miles: "I don't want to go to bed! I don't want to go to bed!"

Me: "You don't have to go to bed yet. I'm just asking. Why do I make you go to bed at night?"

Miles: "IT'S NOT BEDTIME YET!   IT'S.   NOT.    DAAAAAAARK!"

Me: "Nevermind."

A walk with Miles

Hi.. I'm Brett... I'm the dad.... I'll post randomly.....

Miles and I went on a walk recently. On our walk Miles stated that he wanted to become a giraffe someday when he grows up. He soon after made it very clear that in order for that to happen, he would have to start eating a lot more grass.

After the walk was over he said, “whew that was a good long walk – I like that walk.” He looked a bit perplexed as he felt his shirt under his armpit and said, “my shirt is a little wet under my arm here – I guess a grasshopper must have jumped up there and peed – don’t you think dad?”

I had no comment.

Christmas Gift Ideas for Macey, Based on What She Currently Enjoys Playing With

• Steak knives
• Razors
• Shoes (for licking, not wearing. Esp. flip flops, because the part where the straps connect to the sole looks like a nipple from the bottom)
• Toilet bowl brushes
• Toilet water
• Sunglasses
• Hair care products
• Tampons
• American cheese (individually wrapped)

Thursday Feature: Dear Miles

I wasn't sure what to expect when I started this (or if Miles would even be willing to go along with it) but he didn't disappoint. Here's his first question, and the conversation that ensued:

"Dear Miles,

Why are boogers sometimes wet,and other times they are dry?

Sincerly,
Mrs. Drippynose"

Miles giggled. "Her name is Mrs. Drippynose?"

I reminded him: "Yeah, so why is it that sometimes boogers are wet and sometimes they are dry?"

"Are you going to tell me?"

"No, you're supposed to answer it because she thinks you're so smart."

Long suffering sigh. "Because of the warm season."

I raised my eyebrow at him, surprised at his... well, normalcy. Then he held up his stuffed dog who, according to Miles (and I swear I'm not making this up), can knock out bad guys with his poisonous stinkers. He answered again in his dog's voice, "Boogers are wet when they taste like applesauce. When they're dry, they're bacon."

A Snippet of Conversation

Me: "Hey Miles, if you could have any pet in the world, what would you want to have?"

Miles (without hesitation): "A seal."

Me: "Why would you want a seal?"

Miles: "Because he would eat mosquitoes."

Me: "Oh really? How do seals eat mosquitoes?"

Miles: "They swim through the water really fast and then lick... [Trailing off] Hmmmm. I would want a frog for a pet."

More Good Names by Miles

From chickens to transformers, Miles has always been good at naming things. Here are a few recent additions to our family:

• The first crawdad we found: Seahorses
• The second crawdad we found: Fork
• A scarecrow in our backyard: Subway
• Our pet woolly worm, who has surprisingly survived several days of Miles' loving attention: Eyeball

Thursday Feature: Dear Miles

By popular demand (okay, so no one has ever demanded anything of this blog, but whatever, right?), I'd like to present our new weekly feature, Dear Miles, in which you, loyal reader, submit your questions for Miles to answer each Thursday. To kick it off, I'll provide a question Brett asked Miles last night:

Dad: "Hey Miles, why don't spiders ever get stuck in their own webs?"

Miles: "Because they're so evil."

Miles Wants a Dead Grandma

I can only assume that one or two of the cool kids at day care have a dead grandma, because Miles has been a bit obsessed with the concept lately. He'll be playing happily, then suddenly adopt a sobering frown. "Mom," he'll say reverently. "You remember my grandma.... that DIED?"

"No, Miles. Your grandmas are still alive. They did not die."

"No! I mean my other grandma, the one who lives far, far, far away." Then, reverting to his hushed tone again: "She DIED."

"You mean my grandma, Grandy?"

"Yeah!"

"She's still alive, too."

"Noooooooo!"

Miles Experiments With Renaming Things To Get What He Wants

"Hey Mom, can I have a cookie vegetable?"

Miles Merges Metaphor and Malapropism, but Misnames It

"Mom, stop interrupting like a volcano! --Hey, that rhymed!"

Miles' Theology

Miles enjoys playing with little fuzzballs on my bed, which he calls "fellars." A few weeks ago after church one Sunday he was playing with all his little fellars, so I listened in:

"Okay, this little fellar is the good God, and this one is the bad God. Oh, wait---we need a cross so we can kill him."


Then last Wednesday after children's church, I asked him what he learned about.

"Jesus." Of course.

"What did you learn about Jesus?"

"Oh. He had hangnails."

The Embarrass Brett Edition

Brett stepped out of the shower naked to grab a towel, and Miles just happened to catch a glimpse. "EWWWWW!" he shouted, traumatized, as he grabbed nearby Macey and covered her eyes.

ON A RELATED NOTE: Whenever Brett isn't home, Macey always wanders around the house singing, "Daaaa----ddy. Daaaa-----ddy." The first place she looks? Invariably: the bathroom. She assumes he lives there.

Milesisms

Term of endearment: "C'mere my little cinnamon bun! Chomp chomp chomp!"

Insult: "Tater face!"

Retort: "Ketchup face!"

Prayerful introduction: "God, I'm Miles Smif."

How to express something that took place prior to yesterday: "A long time ago, like when dinosaurs were still alive."

Miles on the Importance of a Good Diet

Good Names for Transformers (According to Miles)

• Fern Leaves
  
• Slip 'n' Crash
  
• Poopy Silten
  
• Talk to the Sign (Hint: rhymes with Optimus Prime)
  

Miles' Logic Prevails

A few minutes ago Miles was coloring in his Lightning McQueen book.

Mom: "Uh oh... I don't think that's a coloring book."

Miles: "Yeah it is. See? I colored in it."

Miles and Macey: The Multimedia Experience

Miles graciously agreed to help recreate the following story that occurred this morning:

Miles woke Brett up at 7:00 explaining that Dad needed to come play cars with him so that he wouldn't watch cartoons, because that would make him "not smart." Brett couldn't refuse a well-reasoned argument like that, so he got up to play.

Before long, the Matchbox cars were involved in a nasty 3-car pile-up. Miles commented that it reminded him of the crash on Speed Racer. Brett said, "Wow, that sounds crazy."

Miles said, "No. That's not crazy. That's horrible. This is crazy:


Then he points soberingly at the car crash. "That's horrible."

In Which I Let You Know

Some time ago, loyal reader, I made the claim that Macey was the sweetest little thing, so affectionate, greatest baby ever, etc. I also promised that, should that ever change, I would let you know.

I'm officially letting you know.

Macey finds no greater pleasure in life than doing precisely the opposite of what she thinks you want. Her happy little personality remains consistent; the change has come in the content of what it is that informs her happiness.

An example: A couple of days ago I was cleaning the kitchen while Macey ate dinner at her high chair. She finished before I did, and wanted to be released to go wreak havoc on the utensils in the dishwasher. I, being of the persuasion that she shouldn't play with knives, let her wait while I finished the dishes.

So she poked herself in the eye. I saw her do it and shrieked, "Macey! Don't touch your eyes!" She grinned her wicked little grin and and opened her eyes as wide as possible, jamming each finger with great precision into them as long as she could stand it without blinking.

Every time I saw her do it, I shrieked and told her to stop. She laughed big belly laughs and just tried harder to stare me down past the fingers in her eyes. Fortunately, I'm still smarter - at least for now. I told her to keep her fingers out of her mouth instead, so she started chewing on them while I feigned dismay.

I'm going to go ahead and make the prediction now that she's going to make me wear out the phrase, "I told you this is what would happen."

An Interesting New Discovery

Miles, from the backseat of the car one evening: "I have to poop, I have to poop!" Surprised pause. "Oh. It's okay. I squeezed it back in."

Too Smart For Me

Every parent, at one time or another, has cursed their child with, "I hope you have a kid just like you someday." I'm not actually certain whether my mother did this to me or not, but if so: Mom, please just go ahead and say, "Tara, I hope you win a $50 million lottery someday."

Miles likes to debate. He likes to point out incorrect reasoning when he sees it. His logic, for a three year old, is impeccable. He's never wrong.

A few days ago, I was starting up the car to back out of the driveway. Miles and Macey were already strapped into their car seats and ready to go. Miles, who has a bad habit of making requests just as we're getting ready to leave, demands, "Mommyyyyyyyyy, I want you to go get me some JOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOCE!!!"

I mustered all my parental wisdom and replied calmly, "Miles, I will not get you juice because you were whining." He sighed in exasperation. "But Mommy, a minute ago I was not whining and you were not getting me juice then either!"

The Rise and Fall of Ducky and Spinny

A few weeks ago, Brett and I tried to purchase a new lawn mower and came home with a baby chicken.

Macey was thrilled. ("Oh!! OH!!! Oh oh oh oh oh oh!!!!) Miles immediately named it "Ducky" but shortly thereafter amended that to "Ducky and Spinny" because both names were made that much cooler by not having to choose between them.

Ducky and Spinny lived in a box in our laundry room while he was small and cute, but was banished to our outdoor pantry as he (she?) became increasingly mobile. Even so, we played with him almost every day and Miles liked chasing him around the yard while Macey preferred pointing and grunting.

Last Thursday, we forgot to put Ducky and Spinny back into his closet for the night. The next morning Miles came running inside with a handful of telltale feathers, shouting, "Ducky and Spinny is gone!!! I can't find him anywhere! He's gone!!" Oops.

We will probably never be certain what happened to Ducky and Spinny, but that means that we also technically can't rule out the possibility that he did, in fact, go to find his chicken friends, as we told Miles. At any rate, don't worry about Miles, dear reader; he didn't remain concerned about Ducky and Spinny for long. A couple of days later, Mamaw and Papaw got an 8-week old Beagle puppy named Patches. Last night I caught Miles setting tiny little Patches on top of a hill and pushing him over... When I saw this I shouted, "Stop!! Miles, why are you doing that?" He looked up at me, slightly offended, and said, "I was just teaching him how to roll over!"

Ducky and Spinny might be better off with his chicken friends...

Children Are Disgusting

Yesterday, about fifteen minutes after dinner, Macey sneezed. A piece of broccoli flew out of her mouth. "Uh-oh," she noted casually, as she picked it back up and ate it.

Miles' Prayer Tonight

"Dear Jesus, Thank you for God and for saving us. And.... thank you for everybody. I love them all. And please keep the monsters from getting us."

It's All Semantics

We were driving late one night and Brett said to me, "Looks like Miles is asleep." Miles immediately popped his eyes open and said, "No, I'm not sleeping. I'm just saving my eyes for later."

What Daddy Does At Work

Monday morning we were getting ready to leave for work/daycare, and Miles kept giving me these really weird looks (mouth pursed; eyebrows furrowed, one up one down; eyes squinty; don't ask me how he pulled all that off, but he did). I asked him what he was doing, and he said, "I'm Daddy." I said, "Hi, Daddy, what are you doing today?" He said, "I'm going to work." I asked him what he does at work, and he answered, "I go to church and play games and don't bring them home with me."

Yes We Can

Okay, so this isn't STRICTLY Miles and Macey related, but it's historic, it's a part of what was going on in their childhood, and --most importantly-- this is my only tiny little public medium. So here it is:

Miles Discovers Something You Probably Didn't Know

Miles ran into the bathroom this morning with a fascinating observation:

"Hey Mom!! When... when... when... when... [thoughtful pause]... When you brush your teeth, and then you drink some juice, a lot of juice, it tastes like yuck."

And Now For Something Completely Different

I've been posting about Miles a lot (okay, not a LOT, but every chance I get), but some of my loyal readers (okay, both of them) may have noticed that I rarely mention Macey. I'm going to correct that now.

Macey persists in being the perfect baby. She hardly ever cries or fusses, she's adorably affectionate, and she's got the sweetest little personality. She's been perfecting her crawling skills for the past month, and she can get wherever she wants to go, which usually means looking for stray pieces of "food" on the ground. She has recently started pulling herself up to standing, and loves "walking" with just a little help from Mom.

She likes performing all her tricks (clicking her tongue, singing, waving "bye-bye", or just sitting there looking cute) and looks at everyone in the room in turn to see if we've noticed. If we've noticed, we're supposed to say "Yay Macey!", and if we fail to comment, she grins gummily at us until we do.

So, in a nutshell: Greatest baby in the world. If that changes, I'll be sure to let you know. :)

Miles's Personal Bubble Part II

We were playing pirates the other night and I just thought he was so cute that I had to reach down and give him a quick hug and kiss. It's not like I disrupted his playing at all, but--not looking up from his action figures for even a minute--he said calmly, "That's too much, Mom. That's too much hugging now."

Little stinker.

In Which Miles Intends To Prove Me Wrong

I was preparing Miles for the idea of going to bed (a concept saturated from beginning to end with bargaining and scheming, on both parts). He started in with his typical protest about monsters ("mon-thterds") coming out of his closet. I told him he didn't need to worry because there are no monsters in Mommy's house. He said, "Mommy, there ARE mon-threrds. I need to take my camera to sleep with me, 'cause I will show you."